Marriage is not a Mirage by Wayne MacNamara

Even though this is a repost of a repost by Wayne MacNamara, it does not lessen it's meaningfulness.  On the contrary, I feel it is SO meaningful and helpful I had to pass it on.

It's funny, because right now I'm re-reading the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to prepare for a talk I'm giving in a few weeks, and my husband, Dr. Mark LeMay, D.C., is re-reading Personality Plus by Florence Littauer for his talk next week!  (I think God is trying to tell us something!!)

In the words of Jackie Lewis, we need to get it together TOGETHER.  This post will help. :)
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When I got introduced to Life Leadership, and decided to start my own business, one of the things I did not expect to gain was an amazing marriage. It was a business, I expected to gain business knowledge, hopefully make some money, gain my time back, but I did not expect to have the marriage I do today.

Our marriage is at where it is today because of two things; the influence of other great marriages like Orrin and Laurie Woodward and Claude and Lana Hamilton, and because the books that we have read because of our involvement in Life Leadership. Our marriage was never terrible, but it was never as good as it is today, and it only grows stronger everyday.

When I thought about marrying Raylene, I thought that everything would be smooth sailing. We would cook our meals together, go do things together, be happy all the time and never have any real problems. We wouldn't have to put any real effort in, everything would just work out. That image of a marriage I realized, was a mirage. It wasn't real and it didn't exit anywhere. The reason why marriage doesn't work like that is because a marriage is a relationship between two people who aren’t perfect, have different personalities and different needs and desires.

Early on in our time in business Claude recommended I read Personality Plus by Florence Littauer. While this book can be applied to any relationship in your life (friend, child, co-worker, bank teller), I found it especially enlightening in our marriage. I discovered that Raylene had phlegmatic tendencies which made her very easygoing. I thought that was a great trait for my wife to have, until reading further and learning that “Peaceful Phlegmatic never wants to cause trouble and will quietly accept the status quo rather than ask for a change.” I would ask Raylene what she would like to do, or like to eat and because she didn't want to upset me, would just let me pick. Often however, I would pick something she didn't want and she would be upset and I didn't even know why! Learning about her personality helped me understand her so much better, and made our marriage stronger the more I applied what I was reading.

Another book we read early on was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book was huge in breaking the mirage I thought was our marriage. I would love Raylene the way I would want to be loved but it never really made a huge impact. I never understood why she didn't appreciate it as much as I did when I would do the dishes for her; because my love language is acts of service, and her’s isn’t. This book is where I learned that I really had to put in some hard work to make our marriage as successful as it could be. Chapman says “I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty ‘love tank’ may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil.” To make Raylene feel loved I have to consciously make an effort to speak her love language; spend quality time with her and give her gifts. This isn't always easy, as it is so much easier to just love her in my love languages, but loving her in my love languages is no where near as effective in keeping her love tank full.

Claude recommended another book to me to read, The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley. One of the most critical points I took from this book is that “though we can choose how we will participate in relationships, we have no choice about whether we will participate in them… Our only real choice is whether we will work to make our relationships healthy; whether we will do things that hinder or enhance them.” Gary talks about how relationships are a natural part of human life, we have no choice about having relationships, it is in our DNA. But we have to work to make those relationships thrive. This is what I had never understood. I thought people got married because they loved each other and they didn't have to put in a big effort to make the relationship work, it just happened by itself. The illusive mirage.

I have learned so much through my years being involved in Life Leadership and through all the materials available. These books have been invaluable to me as their effect on our marriage cannot be measured. Having a good marriage is a lot of work, some days you may not feel like putting in the extra effort; folding the load of laundry, spending the extra 20 minutes talking to your spouse, complimenting them on an accomplishment, but those little bits of extra effort accumulated over time is what makes a marriage great. Like Orrin Woodward always says, “I can’t promise you easy, but I can promise you worth it.”

God Bless,

Wayne

We'll miss you, Jackie Lewis

Here's a great example of a Meaningful Life:

Jackie Lewis

Bill & Jackie Lewis LIFE Founders

"I love people,
I love getting to know people,
I love understanding people,
I love being able to sit down with them and empathize with them,
I love being able to put a smile on their face like Terri Brady has done for me so many times,
I love being able to look in their eyes and believe in them knowing at that moment that I believe in them more than they may believe in themselves."  Jackie Lewis

(borrowed from Tyler Prudhomme)

Thanks for your example.  You will be greatly missed. 

If you're happy and you know it, tell your face!

So you know from my recent blogs that you have a "steersman" inside you to help you make any changes about yourself you don't like.

You know you are engineered by the Creator to be great and do great things for Him.  That you are worthy.  And that you can de-hypnotize yourself from any limiting beliefs that hold you back from achieving your purpose and dreams.  Visualizing, the language of your Creative Mechanism, is one great way to do that.

But what are some other ideas for changing our stinkin' thinkin'?  Or, to put it bluntly, how can you cut out the crappy things you're telling yourself and be nice for goodness sake!

Here are some thoughts Maxwell Maltz shares on happiness that I think will help you and I to be nice to ourselves.

1.  Happiness is simply a state of mind where our thinking is pleasant a good share of the time.

2.  We think better, perform better, feel better, and are healthier when we are happy.

3.  Happiness is a mental habit, a mental attitude, and if it is not learned and practiced in the present it is never experienced.  It cannot be made contingent upon solving some external problem.  BECAUSE…when one problem is solved another appears to take its place.  Life is a series of problems.  If you are to be happy at all, you must be happy – period!  Not happy “because of.”

4.  “The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.”  Robert Louis Stevenson

5.  Every day is a mixture of good and evil – no day or circumstance is completely 100% “good.”

6.  Be like a squirrel hoarding chestnuts, store up moments of happiness and triumph so that in a crisis we can draw upon these moments for help and inspiration.

Here are 8 affirmations from the book for us to say WITH FEELING over the next 21 days:

1.  I will be as cheerful as possible.

2.  I will try to feel and act a little more friendly toward other people.

3.  I am going to be a little less critical and a little more tolerant of other people, their faults, failings, and mistakes.  I will place the best possible interpretation upon their actions.

4.  Insofar as possible, I am going to act as if success were inevitable, and I already am the sort of personality I want to be.  I will practice “acting like” and “feeling like” this new personality.

5.  I will not let my own opinion color facts in a pessimistic or negative way.

6.  I will practice smiling at least 3 times during the day.

7.  Regardless of what happens, I will react as calmly and as intelligently as possible.

8.  I will ignore completely and close my mind to all those pessimistic and negative “facts” which I can do nothing to change.

Mark your calendar and see how your "happiness quotient" is from saying these 21 days from now.  I'd love to hear what changes you, or others, have noticed.  (You don't have to wait 21 days to comment.)

Remember, if you're happy and you know it tell your face!

drawing by my son, Wesley!

Steer your way to success

As you remember from my last post, I started sharing my thoughts on the book Psycho-Cybernetics.  I promised to cover self-image, and how we have the power to change it.

But, first, you're probably wanting to comment, what the heck is Psycho-Cybernetics?!  Glad you asked!  Cybernetics comes from a Greek word which means literally, “the steersman.” Think of sailing ships.  And psycho deals with the mind.  I like Maltz' distinction between servo-mechanisms that are constructed (think of a torpedo) and automatically "steer" their way to a goal, target, or "answer" and the human brain.  He calls what God created in us the Creative Mechanism.  And even though we are created to achieve, he makes it very clear that we are not machines, but that we have a machine within us in which we use.  

Think of it this way:  machines, or animals for that matter, cannot select their own goals….man can! We create our own success. And if we learn how to "steer" our "steersman", we'll get there even faster! But it's going to take some work.

We've all heard the term "Garbage in. Garbage out." That can be applied to your Creative Mechanism. If, a traumatic event, or person feeds us bad information that is not the truth, then that negative input will skew the path to our target. I remember being teased in grade school for wearing glasses and being underdeveloped in a certain area of my body. Those lies had an effect on me and shaped my self-image making me feel inferior, unloved, undeserving...basically unworthy.  Over the years I've struggled to peal away those lies, like shedding unwanted yet familiar layers, and replace them with the truth, knowing that I have been “designed for success” by my Creator.  Now I know that the old picture of myself as unworthy is wrong and does not come from God but the Enemy.

I've learned from so many great people that failure is a requirement of success, not an either/or option.  Just because I failed at something, that did not make me a failure. It is our perspective on what happens that matters more than the event itself.   Orrin Woodward says that the event only happened once, but what we tell ourselves about it happens many times.

Maxwell Maltz, M.D. was a plastic surgeon, who searched to answer these questions about self-image in his book: "How does the self-image exert its influence, how <does> it create a new personality, what happens inside the human nervous system when the self-image is changed".  He later said that the key to human behavior is the self-image.  "Change the self-image and you change the personality and the behavior."  (For more details you've got to read the book.)

Ok, but how can we change our self-image?!

With pictures.

Don't like the current picture of some part of yourself.  Change the picture.  Not with plastic surgery, but with mental pictures and exercises he gives in the book. Mental pictures, often called visualization, give us the chance to “practice” new traits and attitudes, that we couldn't normally do.  Maltz said,  "If we picture ourselves performing in a certain manner, it is nearly the same as the actual performance.  Mental practice helps to make perfect."

There's a great story of a championship weight-lifter who was told by a hypnotist that he could not lift a pencil from a desk.  Even though he could normally lift a 400 lb weight over his head, when he tried he could not lift up the pencil!  Wow! 

Key Point:  even though the power to do something is within us, we have limiting beliefs that prevent us from achieving that thing because we don't know the ability is there. 

So should we all run to our local hypnotist?  Not necessarily.  Is there a way we can hypnotize ourselves?  Actually, Maltz said we should "dehypnotize" ourselves.

Here's how he said to do that..."within you, whoever you may be, regardless of how big a failure you may think yourself to be, is the ability and the power to do whatever you need to do to be happy and successful.  Within you right now is the power to do things you never dreamed possible.  This power becomes available to you just as soon as you can change your beliefs.  Just as quickly as you can dehypnotize yourself from the ideas of "I can't," "I'm not worthy," "I don't deserve it" and other self-limiting ideas."

That's why I continue to put life-changing information into my Creative Mechanism.  I think everyone who's interested in living the life they're meant to live rather than living the life I can barely afford should.  But that's for another time to discuss. ^_^

Repeat after me out loud:

I am not "inferior."

I am not "superior."

I am simply "Me."

I am "worthy".

I "deserve" it.

I "can.................................."

Enjoy the video and I hope you Resolve

to change!

P.S.  Here's another great resource for 

change 90 Day Mental Fitness Challenge

   

 

 

Put on your ruby slippers

I'm not perfect.

And I'm not saying I have it all together...or even halfway together.

But in my quest for a meaningful blog, I want to share some things with you from a book that is very meaningful to me, and my hope is that you will glean some great nuggets to apply to your life as well.

The book is Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, M.D., F.I.C.S.

This wasn't a book I directly picked out, although I had heard of it years ago (it was written in 1960- Ha! it's older than me!)  It came to me as part of my monthly personal development subscription I get that helps me improve my personal and professional life.

When it came I promptly ignored it, as I was reading 3 or 4 other books at the time of its arrival.  But something about it kept nagging at me to pick it up.  Fast forward a few months later at a business meeting, the key speaker - someone I highly respected - mentioned the book.  He said it talked about how our brains are goal-seeking devices, and that if you give it a challenge or problem it will do whatever it can to accomplish it.  Owning 3 businesses, being a wife and mother, I'm always looking at ways to do something better...even if it's just my tuna casserole.

Now, I read the book, The Ant and the Elephant by Vince Poscente, which is a great parable of the power of the conscious (ant) and subconscious (elephant) mind.  I learned that in a split second the conscious mind triggers 2,000 neurons. But in the subconscious mind 4,000,000,000 (billion) are triggered!  If we could just learn how to align our Ant & Elephant so they travel in the same direction towards the same desired goals that'd be Awesome!!

So, if that speaker (subconsciously) suggested reading Psycho-Cybernetics, I figured it was time.

The preface blew me away!  Seriously.  I knew, after reading those first few pages, that I HAD to blog on it, even if only you, my one follower, would read this.

I don't know about you, but I feel that I'm here for a reason.  God has given me unique gifts and talents, most of which are still to be discovered, and a purpose to apply those towards.  If there's a way to pull back the curtain and see how my mind works so that I can achieve bigger and bigger successes, than I was going to grab ahold of it!  THAT'S what I want to share with you.

But......since this blog is already quite long, it'll have to wait until the next installment.

Next time, I'm going to talk about how critical our self-image is.  How we have a built-in Success Mechanism.  And how we have the power to wield it!  Good news, Dorothy, you had the power within you the whole time!


Until then, know that you will act like the sort of person you conceive yourself to be.  Who is that?  Do you like him/her?  If not, you CAN change your self-image.  So, put on your ruby slippers and let's figure it out together. :)

Action Step:
What's one thing you'd like to change in your life?  Please leave a comment.

My Top 10 Meaningful Movies

It's getting close to the holiday season, and my thoughts turn to...movies.  Sorry, I love movies.  It's my escape.  Our family developed a fun tradition of decorating the whole house, inside and out, on the day after Thanksgiving and then watching a Christmas movie.

When our boys were little it was all about the short animated movies, like A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph, Frosty, The Grinch, and Santa Claus is comin' to town - love that Winter Warlock! Then it was Jim Carrey in How The Grinch Stole Christmas for years and years and years. Followed by Elf.  Now we just rotate depending on what we watched the year before.

All this got me thinking about what are the most meaningful movies I've seen.  I know I left out a bunch...that's what you're supposed to do by commenting!  So, here's

My Top 10 Meaningful Movies: (in no particular order)

1.  It's a Wonderful Life Starring James Stewart, Donna Reed.
You just can't deny the message that we all make a difference, we just have to look for it.

2.  The Princess Bride Starring Cary Elwes, Robin Wright.
Who doesn't love the humor, sword fights and romance?!  There are too many great lines to quote.

3.  Fireproof Starring Kirk Cameron, Erin Bethea.
I think all of Alex Kendrick's movies are amazing.  This is a must-watch for couples, married or not.

4.  Facing the Giants Starring Alex Kendrick, Shannen Fields.
"Your personal best."  Are we giving that every day?  Ouch. So inspirational!

5.  Courageous Starring Alex Kendrick, Ken Bevel.
No, I am not Alex's publicist!  I can't help it, he makes powerful, meaningful movies.  All males should watch this, but only if they want to become real men.

6.  The Ultimate Gift Starring Drew Fuller, James Garner.
WAY better than the book, which is a rare thing for me to say. I think all kids should watch this one...might help eliminate that "entitlement" attitude that seems to be so prevalent these days.

7.  Life is Beautiful Starring Roberto Benigni, Nicoletta Braschi.
I'm embarrassed to admit, but I just saw this movie a few months ago.  Yes, I'm a little slow.  It won so many awards for a reason.  If you haven't seen this yet, hurry and rent it.

8.  A Christmas Carol - just about any version.
One of my pastor's preached on this theme a few years ago, and yes I agree, Jesus is the one that changes our hearts, not us.  And I still love the idea of that transformation, no matter who does it.  My favorite versions are played by Henry Winkler, yes, you read that correctly. He did an amazing performance about 30 years ago.  And Patrick Stuart.

9.  The Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson and starring Jim Caviezel.
Controversial? Yes. Courageous? Yes.  Life-changing?  I hope so.

10.  The Matrix Trilogy Starring Keanu Reeves. Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving, Laurence Fishburne.
This closes out my list not because of the cool sci-fi effects, love story, or intense action.   But the eerie, underlying message that there are forces and things going on in our world that we are not aware of, but could be if given the right information. 

What movies have been especially meaningful to you?  I'd love to know. Please share.

Facebook is NOT your Mama

November 6th marked the 9th anniversary (strange word to use in this circumstance) of my mother's death.  I loved her very much, but I'll admit that we didn't always get along.  I was more of a daddy's girl, until they divorced when I was around 14.  That's because she was more of the "Enforcer."  Whereas, in my dad's eyes I could do no wrong, most of the time.

Even though we didn't agree on many things for most of my life, I still feel this hole where she used to be.  When something cool happens in my life, I want to share it with someone. Who's going to be the most proud of me?  My mom.  Who do I want to impress the most?  My mom.

It takes me back to summertime, jumping in the pool millions of times, and saying, "Mommy, watch me!  Watch me again, mommy!"  Well, for many of us, millions I believe, Mommy isn't watching anymore.  So where are we going to get that vital affirmation, approval, and appreciation?!

Enter Facebook.

I realized as I wrote in my journal that day, the role Facebook tries to fill is that of my mother.

Think about it.  What kinds of things do people post?  Look at me, I'm doing this!  Or hey, I'm going here!  Or wow, my kids did that!  I'll admit, I do the same, hopefully not to the point of sickening others.  But aren't we all looking for someone to tell us, "Good job, honey, I'm proud of you."?!

One advantage of Facebook over Mom, unlike a real face-to-face contact, we can post and not risk rejection, or worse, indifference.  Yet, do the "LIKES" and comments we get really affirm us as much as our moms did? (Hoping you had a decent mom like me and the answer is no.)

Whether you had a great mom or not, or dad, or grandparent, or someone else who filled that role, there will always be a hole that no human can completely fill.

Enter God.

Yeah, Him.

He accepts, approves, and appreciates us...not because of what we've done, but because of His Son.
His promises are always kept.  His will is always done.  His love endures forever.

I won't get all preachy, but I hope you know, really know, why you believe what you believe.  Eternity is a long time to be wrong.

Back to Mom.  Facebook is not your mama.  I'm  not saying stop posting your accomplishments.  I am saying, look for true, deep, and lasting approval from the One who will always give it.

My mom at 18 yrs old in 1951

And if you're mom's still alive, please call or see her and tell her how meaningful she's been to you.